Black Hole

the second when i opened my eyes, it all comes flashing back into my mind, and the weight that left me when i drifted away the other night comes back to me in an instant. i curled up in my bed, and realised that what i have done had only ruined me, tearing myself away from those i love most. why must i always make all these illogical decision? even i have problems understanding this myself. just when i thought i had something solid built up for myself, i went on and killed everything along the way.

it struck me that i have done nothing but single handedly destroy something that i have spent almost 7 months nurturing, and now this will haunt me until i understant how to fix it.

i feel dejected.

the tight slap from last night still stings in my heart. i could even feel the sin etched across my face, carved deeply along my skin so that whenever i look at my face, i will remember.

there's a hole in my heart that i couldn't fix right now. many things just happen all at oce and blowed up in your face, you can't even help but stood still and start wondering what the hell am i doing around here. too many question, so little answers.

my feeling now is like an emotional rollercoaster.

sometimes its soft,
sometimes a siren in my head,

i only wanna try to do something to make things right, but the only thing i did was letting it drag me back down to the black hole again.


and

here i am.



shattered and lying is despise.

Bright note

woke up this morning feeling a little weird, like something is just not sitting right with me. i still haven't found out what it is though.


recently we've all been flooded by so many paper work, it's crazy. the number of people who stayed up late just to do work is obscene. time management is a pain in the arse especially for short semester students like us, but what to do ??


right now i'm a restless soul, been up and moving around as if i'm charged like a energizer bunny. well, right now too many things are fogging up my mind.


2 more summary papers, 1 test, 1 research paper and presentation to deal with within these two weeks. Research paper is almost done, now i'm just waiting for the lecturer to return my second draft so that i could make the last amendment before submitting the final research paper, but i still have lots more to go.


earlier this afternoon i had a summary test. I felt a part of my old self coming back to me as my mind raced for words, reminiscing about my days back in PreU (SAM) when all of us trying to fool the lecturers during her lectures. I missed the days in SAM...and i miss all of you guys ~





on a brighter note:

Life is not about the moment that you breathe, it's about the moment that takes your breathe away.

Hello...People

our booth in KLIA

Fernando Gonzalez's tennis bag & cap

The Airport Team volunteers

Three days before the tournament..

Me and Carlos Bernardes, the ATP umpire

Mohamad Lahyani and me

David Ferrer and his entourages

Asian no.1 Rendy Lu Yen Tsun

Nikolay Davydenko's autograph

Fernando Verdasco's autograph

Gael Monfils's autograph

Fernando Gonzalez's autograph

Robin Soderling's autograph

My Tomas Berdych's autograph

Lleyton Hewitt's autograph

Taylor Dent's Autograph

Me & Tomas Berdych.....& Mushana's shirt =)

Tennis ball signed by Fernando Verdasco....(thanks to the stringer staff)

very sorry to my blog readers, due to the slow connection in my house, i couldn't upload all the photos i snapped during the tournament. Pls visit my facebook for more pictures.

唯一

不准你们按back啦！！！
对，你们没有看错部落格，也不时被人hack。。。

你可能会觉得很奇怪，一位曾经在高中时代被朋友取了半香蕉人花名的我，今天竟然会在部落格打了那些我曾经认为是外星语的华文字，就连现在从我口里说出来的华语，我也不太敢相信。 一直以来，我都不会去理会我的华文程度，甚至都没把它放在我眼里。




一直到我遇见了他。。。



是他，

让我重新学华文，
学会了用汉语拼音来回信息/msn，



是他，
从来都没有放弃过我这个笨笨的，糊里糊涂的林丽雯，


是他，
带着我走出低潮，不开心，


是他，
让我重心找回那种很温聲，温暖的感觉。。。


是他，
让我找回自我。。。



虽然有时会为了一些小事而闹得不开心，
但是那种温暖，开心的感觉依然存在。

只要是为了他，
能和他在一起，
要我做什么，
都是值得的。

累了，
有他陪着我，
给我靠着，
安慰我，
逗我，

就算是静静地坐在我身边陪着我，
我也愿意。。。。

我不需要你为我做任何事，

我只要求你，

一直陪在我身边，

那就足够了。。。。

Michael Learns to Rock

went to Genting Highland on the 5th Sept, 2009 for the MLTR's concert, FULL HOUSE CONCERT lehh ~~~

the concert was great and they really deserved our standing ovation....

Malaysia Open Tennis, 2009

Yes, I did it.


not jokes, not lies....
i passed the interview and got myself a Court Services Volunteer job.



Court Services
Main responsibilities are to assist the Court Services Department with daily maintenance of courts as well as rooms within the venue. English is a must and physically strong applicants will be considered first.
Period: Sept 23rd - Oct 5th

Malaysian Open Tennis, Kuala Lumpur

(please follow the link for more info)

Heavy

for a moment i placed my comic book down and took a second to breathe. i close my eyes for only a brief moment and opened them again, only to take in everything around me. there i was....sitting up in my bed, snuggled in the comfort of the blanket with a Archie comic in one hand.

the music player was playing Bon Jovi's It's My Life on my laptop. Rain was falling outside the window, slowly....the air was kinda chilled that night.

sometimes moments like these made me wish that time never had to pass by.

*****************

i've been spending most of my time at home during this semester break.

sitting in front of the laptop, playing Counter Strike, decorates our photo album, printing cakes receipes for baking purposes, watch The Simpson Episodes......etc

Seriously, i've been sitting in front of my computer screen for the past few hours, hands were placed firmly on the keyboard and ready to type but...my mind was blank.

emotional roller-coaster ride have driven me over the edge i suppose, and as my body slowly broke down due to the lack of rest, it resulted in the semester exam (stress) that crept up on me one week earlier, leaving me drained of all the strength.

i haven't been blogging for quite a while. to be frank, at times i have alot to pour out, but when it blogging time arrive, my mind were completely blank then. i haven't been following my usual routines in blogging.

Received a parcel from sis last week, with lil prezzie for me too. iPod touch covers, keychains, The Simpson's First Day Cover ( the best part)....wuhuu, really love that.

btw, me, Ellie and her sister went for the Malaysian Open Tennis Volunteer interview at Bukit Jalil Sports Complex yesterday. only to realize how confusing and large our Bukit Jalil Sports Complex were, we couldn't even find our way to the Stadium Putra and had to call the office and ask for the location whereabout. no doubt i was nervous, furthermore i was interviewed by a foreigner, damn....but overall was great tho.

i won't deny that the past few weeks i've had awesome fun. i've met different people and i've learnt quite a lot of different things. but then again i guess sometimes we have to abandon the fun and get back to setting out lives straight again.

in the midst of all fun, we'd screw up a few things along the way,

it may seems to be unintentional, but things will nevertheless go haywire once in a while as there will always be mistakes that we might have forgotten to check twice, things tht could have easily slipped from our carelessness and consciousness.

kthanksbye...going for supper =)

Hiatus and quick update

first of all i owe my readers an apology for the lack of updates for such a long time. Busy with quite a handful of things this recently (test, quiz, assignments, presentation), but I'm glad it's all over now. Finally i decided to sit my butt down tonight and not to postpone the update any longer.

I was suppose to study Macroeconomics for my semester final which is on next week, yet i am blabbering here now.

by the way, INTI library were shutdown because one of the librarian was infected by the H1N1 virus and damn, this caused a very big inconvenience to me. *exams tiba, mau borrow books ma*

so "suey"(bad luck)la....one week before the final, only shutdown the library =s

I'm a GOOD PERSON =)

Just wanna clarify something here tonight.

I don't abuse little children although i always refer them as little monsters.
I never lost my temper on them even though i am a kinda bad-tempered person.
I don't scream at them.




But tonight in Kumon, one little Malay girl cried in front of me.

Reason ?
Because she can't do the division questions =_='''


she was sobbing in front of me,
so loud until everyone was staring at me as if i scolded her or whatever.


my gosh.
spoiled my good reputation :p (ish..ish)




hahaha....stupid post ~

Quickie

i happened to read the book while i was spending my time in the library last year,




and it was good.





and from every good book


comes a movie.








the book was good, but the movie was great.



i've watched it for 3-4 times and i still whimper everytime i watch the movie.

i think you guys should watch it, it's so blardy touching. :))))

oucch. been spending so much nowadays and my income are too little. it should be enough to cover all my expenses since they've already increase my paycheck to rm5 per hours, but starting from July, they gonna minus it for the EPF and SOCSO, leaving me so little moolah to spend. oh shit ~

and by the way,

there would be a Malaysian Open Tennis Tournament (ATP World Tour) starting from September to October and famous tennis players like Fernando Verdasco, Robin Soderling, Gael Monfils...etc would be there.

i'm gonna volunteer myself for the ATP WT.

hope my name will be short listed and pass the interview. :))))

in a heartbeat

sitting alone in the middle of the night,
feeling slightly ignorant and tired.

but in a heartbeat, everything stopped;
and i suddenly felt the world run away in a flash.

people and cars,
they pass me by without noticing;

so many things happening,
all at once.

one event has passed,
and another is just around the corner.

is it just my mind playing tricks on me,
or is it my turn to feel it now?


little things are getting on me now. they sink their tiny teeth into my head and it hurts.


i was having such a hard time today, trying to figure things out and trying to make sense of the things that have happened. i reached a fleeting moment where i cried in the shower but i stopped myself soon after pushing myself too hard.


it's... insane.


Keith Urban's Tonight I Wanna Cry, so emo =(

Alone in this house again tonightI got the TV on,
the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

(Chorus:)I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

心真的碎了。

Time = Life

time brings unexpected things,
and along the way we grow as we travel on.
most of the time the roads seems all the same,
but sometimes we venture into those that are unfamiliar;
and we will find ourselves at the crossroad,
looking; staring;
deciding which path to follow.
we are young,
still naive and innocent, as it were.
but we are not afraid to learn
to get our hands dirty;
and clean them up by ourselves,
to break our own hearts and heal it all over again.


somewhere in between,
things can get us down.
and when life runs off course,
it turns us;
changes us.
sometimes when we steer into a different path,
we are meant to undergo changes
and become better along the way.
and from little steps, we learn.
first we are afraid to take the step
but slowly, as time goes by,
we get used to it.


we may be afraid;
we may be challenged,
and yet we move on
and we try our best to get to the top.
the steps along the road is long and winding,
but we take them on by the horns/



and when times get dark
always know that the light is at the end of the tunnel
and things will eventually be okay.
don't hang on;
let go....

and life will find its way back to you.





swt...well, life is getting hectic now. Especially when mom and dad left for US last Wednesday and yes...i gotta do the housechores and the cooking :) Damn tired..

hehe..waiting for their return on June and gimme lotsa postcards and pressie :)


love ya mom and dad, muacks

"Early" Morning post =)

Hello people, it's4.58am now, and yes...i'm still awake for some god-damned reason.


i'm amazed at how time passes us by so fast and without warning sometimes.

somehow, thinking back on those short 3 months that i've spent, things really have changed for me; the new experience i've gained, the new things i've seen, the new people i've made friends with...and not to forget, the new lesson i've learned.
Don't be a pushover anymore, gracelim ~


sometimes it just feels as if we're running out of time. and it makes me wish that i could freeze the moment.


but

then again,

maybe it's better this way so people could learn to treasure their memories more. :)




kthanksbye,

too tired already want to pengsan kenot tahan...T_T

random

in some way,

i feel the most overwhelming disappointment inside of me.

somehow,

that tugging at the bottom of my heart isn't the least satisfying at all.

i'm sitting here alone,
with the door locked and windows closed.

i'm sitting here alone,
staring at the bookshelf doors
as they creak in faint screeches
to the light pressure from the winds that came from the ceiling fan.

i'm sitting here,

wondering



All the things i feel i need to say
i can't explain in any other way.

i've been doing some thinking, quite frankly i find that life is just the way it is. things happen for a reason, we'd just have to live with it, you know ? it's life, and life's just the way it is.

as i'm sitting here,
i wonder if there are others out there,

going through the same things as i am.

but i suppose that, for the time being,
i'm just going to have make do with what i have.

even if it's not what i've wished for,

i should be blessed that i've even gotten this far.





ps: wish you rot in hell, i mean it....you dumbass !!

morning blue

as soon as i laid in bed, i went out like a light.

i don't even remember dreaming.


i woke up to the increasing pace of the sounds of my heart racing,
and walked toward the window in my room and looked outside.

i never bother to look, but something seemed to be calling me, so i looked and i saw the crisp morning light shining on the cream-colored walls outside. i haven't seen anything like this for a long while, and sometimes i wonder if i ever were myself anymore.

so i closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to remember....


************************************************


sometimes, it is the bitter parts of life that remind me to cherish the better times more. i would constantly remind myself that the emotions i feel at this point will only last for a moment, and sooner or later something beautiful will happen.

so i wait;

i wait for that moment to take my breath away.


i remember a friend once told me that things are always never, NEVER as bad as they seem to be. i do believe her but at times things make life seem so unpredictably insane and it is hard for me to hang on to that theory. i smiled then at the thought, knowing that maybe this is what they call LIFE.

i don't expect things to go as i planned it to be, and i know that disappointment will always be part of it no matter how much we all wish it not to.


i placed my arms on the cold stoned wall, feeling the chill of loneliness that lingered on its surface. A sad smile found its way onto the edges of my lips and thus formed a smile.


at times i wonder how i can smile when i am feeling so blue.


***************************************************

anyway, it is official that i am starting my part-time job in KUMON tomorrow. hope everything would be fine, i definitely do not want any parents coming after me for child abusing. =p

Get Well Soon :(

I have a history of migraine headaches since my younger days.

It's all started on the top of my head(towards the back) and went down the back of my head. The pain was so severe and you would actually want to bang your head on the wall to make it feel better. Panadol was 1st the medication that helped me to reduce the pain but eventually my body turned out to be PANADOL-RESISTANT, not much help now. =_=

I could spend the whole day in terrible forehead pain, dizzy and chilled. All I can do is try to sleep through most of it, but it doesn't work this way now....currently suffering from insomnia.

Migraines are real and they are terribly painful. They are more painful than many people can tolerate. People who don’t have migraines don’t understand what you go through and tend to make fun of you.

yea.

I am jelly.

look @ the amount of panadols i took these few days....can really kill me :(


for the pain :'(

Thank you :)

The Matter of Death

sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you always expect it to be there, because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't.

but then one day you will feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar;

and in that moment you might realize that you're happy.



we take life for granted.
we do get bored, we missed out the finer aspects of life, and keep chasing and running elusive goals, all sets by others for us !!

and all the while, the time slipped through it. When we are ready to enjoy, old age and death face us. Soemtimes, even before we are ready.


Perharps, I have to learn to live up my life before i..........(continue for me)

Perfection ?

Nobody is perfect in this world...but why don't we realize this fact ?
We spend most of out life in being perfect, where someone else defines the term perfect.

We fail to realize what makes us feel happy, sad.
We constrain ourselves so as to adhere to what society says is good or bad.

Our lives are guided by the norms set by our society. If anyone of us tries to go against there, they are said to be mad.



sometimes when you're young, you think nothing can hurt you.
it's like being invincible.

your whole life is ahead of you, and you have big plans.

big plans.



to find your perfect match; the one that completes you...
but as you get older, you realize it's not always that easy.

It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. At the end, when you're looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you.

you want to believe that you're leaving something good behind.

you want it all to have mattered.

The Real Meaning of My Life =)

Our life can be so unpredictable, sometimes.

It's like taking a ride on a roller coaster, ups and downs...ups and downs.

People often forgot about themselves when they are at the peak of something, but when it comes to the down slope in life, they tend to forget the real meaning of life and simply let the years flow under the bridge.

Don't be influenced by what other people say.
We have to put lots of energy and enthusiasm into achieving our objective, and we are the only person responsible for our choice.



My dear blog reader,

we only get to live once...

so instead of doing something silly and unproductive,
why don't we just immerse ourselves in the river of life,
free our minds from all the distraction,
learn about the true meaning of life as we proceed forward
and live to it fully.



PS: Never let those that are evil blind us from those that are good.

At Times

i like it when good things happen.

i like it when people smile at me.

i like it when the most unexpected happy things jump right in your embrace, just like that.

i like being random.

i like sharing laughter with a group of friends.

i like being close to just that one person.

i like doing things for people and seeing them smile.

i like it when i know there's an extra sparkle in the way they look at me.

i like it when people actually care.

i like the way people laugh out loud. A big, hearty laughter.

i like reading Paulo Coelho and indulging in the night breeze that comes blowing from my window.

i like finding out new things that make me feel better.

i like realizing that there will always be someone out there, no matter where you are.






doesn't it make you wonder sometimes how life can be so unpredictable?